Before becoming myself, I survived 15 years of depression

An experience that had countless failures before the victories began to appear.

Alas, in our society it is more shameful to talk about depression than about venereal diseases. Most of the time, even the people closest to me didn’t know what was wrong with me.

I survived dozens of months in deep despair, without the strength to live and act, without hope and faith in myself, with only one desire – to die. With each unsuccessful attempt to change something, hands fell more and more. There were 95 or more points on the Burns scale, which corresponds to the most extreme manifestation of depression.

Self-imprisonment within four walls, failures, loneliness, lack of money and self-loathing, memory and cognitive decline. Endless health problems and complete misunderstanding from the environment.

Constant struggle with yourself. Super efforts and small victories. Travel, successful projects, money, friends, relationships and love. A small mistake of self-control – and I lost everything, because despair and apathy came again. Broken trough. And everything from a clean slate, or rather from a black slate. Years wasted, it seemed to me, wasted.

Attempts by people dear to me to help gave the opposite result. I pushed everyone away and again remained alone with myself.

Out of 15 years of depression, for more than 10 years I immersed myself in all possible theory and experimented on myself. From neurophysiology to esotericism. Sports, meditation, hundreds of techniques and practices, dozens of psychologists and psychiatrists, dozens of drugs, including antidepressants, antipsychotics and hormones. It’s hard to name something that I haven’t tried. Something helped for a week, something for a month. Then depression came with renewed vigor – until a critical mass of changes, experience and knowledge accumulated, which as a result gave a permanent effect.


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