The story of a woman who survived depression, panic attacks, an eating disorder and suicide attempts
The story of a patient who for more than thirty years could not get help and cope with mental illness.
About guilt for parental relationships and panic attacks
As psychologists and psychotherapists say, many problems are drawn from childhood. I was no exception, as my family was and is very restless. The relationship between the parents was similar to sadomasochism. I took everything that happened at my own expense – I took on all the emotional burden and tried to figure out what was wrong, what was happening.
I had seizures from early childhood. I woke up in fear, with a rapid heartbeat and thought I was dying. Once they even called an ambulance. Then I realized that it was a panic attack.
When I went to the dacha to my grandmother, who lived far from her parents, it became calmer, and I came to my senses. And then everything returned again, a depressive state, apathy. This is how I lived and grew up.
About dissatisfaction with their appearance, diets and breakdowns
During adolescence, any teenager, boy or girl, begins to change, and something begins to annoy him. It happened to me too. I was no longer satisfied with my appearance.
I did not develop relationships with young people, but I really wanted to communicate and please everyone. Advertisements on TV showed girls with beautiful figures, perfect faces and teeth. I thought that I needed to change my appearance – then I would become popular and attractive, and they would want to communicate with me.
I couldn’t think of anything better to start losing weight. I was not fat at all, rather slender and even underweight. 55 kg for my height is an adequate weight, but I was still afraid. The fear of “being fat” remains with me to this day.
55 kg for my height is an adequate weight, but I was still afraid. The fear of “being fat” remains with me to this day.
I started losing weight with one apple a day. Then she refused food. There was no strength. Weight loss occurred over time and was replaced by bouts of bulimia. That is, at first you don’t eat anything, and then you “get drunk” like a pig. The food has nowhere to go, it no longer fits, but you eat. You understand with your brain that you need to stop, but saturation does not occur. Eat everything indiscriminately until you burst.
Feelings of guilt were mixed with the seizures. Self-dislike turned into hatred and self-destruction. I wanted one thing – to lose weight, but I got the opposite effect.
About the first experience of treatment with psychiatrists
This period came at the time of graduation from the technical school. I had to go on a big voyage, arrange life, think about who to be. And it turned out that I wanted only one thing – to become perfect. It was self-destruction in the literal and figurative sense, physically and morally, mixed with guilt, a prolonged depression. My poor health got even worse.
At the very peak it was very bad, and I asked for help. Through the diagnostic center in Krylatskoye, I was sent to the hospital of the NTsPZ RAMS. I roared, I had tantrums, and I agreed to treatment in a psychiatric hospital, the main thing is to overcome depression.
For parents, this decision was a shock, and they moved away. How it is? Is your own child a psycho? They blamed me and my grandmother. Help me get out of depression? There was no mention of this!
I wanted something completely different. I wanted my mom to hug me and say that everything will be all right. But this did not happen. Mom and dad had tantrums, we almost stopped talking.
I wanted my mom to hug me and say that everything will be all right. But this did not happen. Mom and dad had tantrums, we almost stopped talking.
I was admitted to a psychiatric clinic for about three weeks. To cope with depression, I was prescribed medication and talking with a psychologist.
The medications were quite harsh, and yet I hardly ate anything. On an exhausted body, this probably had an even greater effect. It was impossible to live on such drugs, I stopped thinking anything. I did not become more calm, there were no improvements.
I did not acknowledge my responsibility, self-destruction and that it was caused by my experiments with weight. I blamed anyone. I blamed my relatives for spoiling my psyche, but I didn’t think that I also had a direct relationship with this. I could only cry and could not explain anything. I did not understand how to get out of depression. Working with a psychologist did nothing.
I realized that I needed to be discharged, because I did not see the effect. Doctors said to take medicine after discharge, for a very long time, because the disease does not go away so easily. I did not attach any importance to this and stopped taking medication in one day. I decided that I could deal with depression on my own. It was a new shock – I think drug withdrawal is about the same. I didn’t know what to do to get better. It was a terrible, murderous feeling, when you are twisted and turned inside out, and you fall somewhere.
I did not attach any importance to this and stopped taking medication in one day. It was a new shock – I think drug addicts are about the same.
Health has not improved, relations with relatives have not improved. I lived with my parents. She worked as a salesperson in a pet store. Before that, I graduated from a technical school, then I entered the institute.
About depression and suicide attempts
During depression, there is no energy even to brush your teeth or go to the toilet. Not that there is no incentive – no strength. That is, you are not only emotionally exhausted, you are also physically exhausted. I don’t know how it all happens, but it’s just like all the juices are sucked out. It was a severe depression. The maximum that can be done is to lie all day long, you can lie endlessly. It’s simple, really, to lie and poke at the phone, it’s pointless to dig on the Internet. You can also read, by the way. But, accordingly, all literature, all music, everything that is around, all this is so depressing and dull, because you don’t want to rejoice at all.
I had two suicide attempts. The first sad experience happened in adolescence, when changes began. The second attempt happened when I began to live on my own. It was not so long ago, maybe seven years ago.
I call this feeling “immersion”. It’s like you’re going deep, deep down. You see everything that is happening, but you cannot interact, communicate, survive depression and rise yourself very, very difficult.
I call this feeling “immersion”. It’s like you’re going deep, deep down. You see everything that is happening, but you cannot interact, contact, and it is very, very difficult to rise yourself.
About finding a doctor
I tried to contact various specialists, I was looking for ways to overcome depression. I decided “damn it, to die – I’m not dying, to live – I don’t live, I need to do something about it.”
I turned to neurologists. The neurologist prescribed antidepressants, which helped fight depression, gave a certain period of remission. But after the cancellation, everything began to gradually return.
I tried to apply at the place of residence, in a psychiatric dispensary. Most often, psychiatrists prescribe antipsychotics – rather heavy drugs. They do not wonder what was the root cause, how to help a person get out of depression? They don’t go deep enough. Therefore, I was afraid to go there further.
She called the doctor to the house. The doctor is like this: “Yes, you suck there . “Well, of course I understand, but what to do?
She called the doctor to the house. The doctor is like this: “Yes, you suck there . “Well, of course I understand, but what to do?
Health experiments were not in vain. I got a rare autoimmune disease. It is not easy to identify it, because it masquerades as other diseases: asthma, bronchitis. Periodically, I ended up in an ambulance in the hospital, because I could not breathe. After the drug was discontinued, everything returned again. The last time I went to the hospital with hemoglobin at 37 (hemoglobin norm for women is 120-140). We searched for a long time, about a month. We have never taken so much blood for analysis. However, it was found to be an autoimmune disease. They began to give large doses of hormones, and I was blown away from 55 to 80 kg.
My doctor was a rheumatologist who told me: “Listen, I don’t know how and what you will do, but you must find a psychotherapist. Not a psychologist, you should find a psychotherapist! How it will be, I don’t know.”
I listened. My battle with depression has begun. Gathering all the willpower that I had into a fist, I found the address of a private clinic, found out how it works. It was far away for me, because I lived in Lobnya, and the Alliance was somewhere in Belyaevo. Without an appointment, I arrived at the Alliance. I asked if there is a specialist who can take right now. I, they say, really need it. They called Nino Anatolyevna.
Nino Anatolyevna received me and listened attentively. I don’t remember the details of the conversation. But, most likely, I told you that everything is very bad, and I don’t know how to overcome depression and apathy. Of course, I wanted to be given a miracle pill, and it all went away instantly. But that doesn’t happen.
Of course, I wanted to be given a miracle pill, and it all went away instantly. But that doesn’t happen.
After the first session, I did not feel any inspiration, any inspiration, any joy. But I realized that it is necessary. I did not know what to expect from a specialist, because we did not know each other, and how psychotherapy would be carried out. But I agreed, and I had to move on, get rid of depression – that’s what I knew. How it will be, good or bad, I did not know. Of course, there was internal resistance. But something pushed me forward.
I started studying with Ashmeiba Nino Anatolyevna. Our meetings took place in the form of a conversation. I expected something, I wanted a miracle. Just to directly take all my sorrows, sorrows, and heal me, tell me how to help myself with depression. That’s what I wanted. Nino Anatolyevna said: “No, dear, you have to work with yourself!” Well, that’s not what she said, but I understood that this is how our meetings would go. Internal resistance persisted. “Damn, how is that? What’s this? I don’t understand how it all works.”
About the tasks of the psychotherapist, which left the most vivid impression
At one of the sessions Ashmeiba Nino Anatolyevna gave me a knitted cat. She said, “Here you are, in childhood, in adolescence. You must say all the warmest words. What would you like to say? How would you support yourself?” It was complicated. Simple words are hard to say to yourself. Nino Anatolyevna made it clear that this is self-hatred, which was formed from childhood. Hatred grew with me, it did not go away and destroyed me from the inside. Self-deprecation, self-abasement.
This hatred is a great destructive force, and destroys not only you, but also your environment. That is, everything that happens around, of course, will seem disgusting. I needed to accept myself. I had to somehow love myself, start respecting myself. For the fact that I am fat, imperfect, mentally unbalanced, somehow not like that; because people don’t like me, as I thought.
Another task that Nino Anatolyevna gave was to buy a cream and smear herself with love. The easiest task, but how to start touching yourself with love? When you hate yourself, when you’re fat, you hide your whole body. It’s unpleasant to touch. You hide it all, especially when you’re full. It’s even unpleasant to touch yourself. And here it is necessary to be smeared with a cream. I bought the cream and smeared it, but, of course, without much zeal and much love. I did it by force. Not very often and not as perfect as it could be, but I tried.
Another task that Nino Anatolyevna gave was to buy a cream and smear herself with love. The easiest task, but how to start touching yourself with love?
About life now and plans for the future
The condition has stabilized. I don’t remember exactly when I felt better. Gradually, step by step, everything went away, everything negative. It became calm. I was able to get rid of depression. I enjoy life. Lots of emotions.
I am not alone in enjoying life. What happens around is also charged by what comes from within. I noticed that people change, my relationships with others, and everything works out.
Now I also have to take antidepressants – maintenance dosage. Ashmeiba Nino Anatolyevna explained that they need to be taken for a longer time, possibly for a lifetime. Nobody can say it.
I can say that psychotherapy for depression and treatment does not solve all problems, but it helps to open your eyes and gives direction where to go next. My state was like a vicious circle when you see no way out. And here they show you – here you are, the door is open, you have to go there. But how you get through is up to you. They help you walk. The main work is working with yourself.
My state was like a vicious circle when you see no way out. And here they show you – here you are, the door is open, you have to go there. But how you get through is up to you.
Since December 2018, I moved to live in Italy. February 25 I will have a wedding ceremony. There will be no big wedding, everything will be quite modest. But I’m getting married. I live in the suburbs of the province of Turin. Not in an apartment, my fiancé bought a house with a garden. Communication with nature, fresh air and, probably, everything that many people dream of.
When I was asked as a teenager: “When will you get married?”, I said: “Never! Never!” Relationships with young people and then with men did not work out for me. More often than not, I was afraid and ran away from relationships. In 37 years of my life, I have never had a long-term relationship. And now the first deep and deliberate, serious relationship has happened. It’s new, it’s different, and I love it.